It's Our Stupid Memories...Or Is It Memories, Stupid? I Just Can't Remember.

It's true - your memory becomes unpredictable as you age, especially for the names of things and people. At a recent dinner party, several potentially amusing stories were interrupted by such lapses, and either the story got completely derailed or it dragged out until it collapsed like an unsuccessful souffllé.

Here's an example:

I watched that movie the other night, the one about a princess in Italy, you know....what's her name?

Was it the one with Gregory Peck?

I don't remember, but there was a man riding a bicycle with her, and she had dark hair...it might have been, Cary...um....

Grant.

Brown or black?

No, Grant, G-R-A-N-T.

I meant her hair.

Well, the film was in black and white, so I don't know.

She was also in "My Fair Lady."

Oh, Julie Andrews.

No, the film - and she didn't do her own singing.

Julie Andrews can't sing any more...something about her vocal cords.

Kather...NO, IT WAS AUDREY HEPBURN!

Not Julie Andrews - you're sure?

Absolutely yes I am.

And the man was William Hold...

No! Gregory Peck...it was Greg Peck.

He was good.

And even better in To Kill - what?

A Mockingbird, by Harper Lee.

Yeah, right. You're good.

Wait, wait - it was called something Holiday.

Italian....no....no....no....

Roman Holiday!

[Smiles all around]

This happens all the time now, but I have uncovered a solution, and I do not mean this in a humorous way . Each of us in the geezer category needs to create a couple of names, one male and one female who will stand in for the forgotten name, a congenial substitute which will allow the story to move forward without delay. In most cases, this allows the narrating geezer to appear more "with it," informed, and in the current century.

I use the name William Masterson, unless the story is sports-related, in which case he becomes Biff Masterson. The female name I borrowed from the name of a publisher who works with a friend of mine, and she is Enid Harmon.

One should never select such names as Ben Dover, Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve, Egbert Souse, Larsen E. Whipsnade, Henry Aldrich or Pneumonia Vanderfeller. If you are among geezers one of them might recognize these, but they would be reasonably safe in crowds of the young.

When I am asked who directed that great production at the (Fill In The Blank) Theatre, I can say knowingly , "One of William Masterson's best efforts in many years." If someone knows the real name and corrects me, all I have to say is, "Well, the old noggin has let me down again," and feign knocking my head with a closed fist.

Darn near foolproof.